3 questions better than should
The word should can be problematic in many conversations but especially when you’re working together as a team. Ask these questions instead.
I try to avoid using the word should.
There are worse words in the dictionary, but this word occupies a special place for me.
When I use the word should, as in “I should exercise today…” while I’m sinking into my couch, I’m telling myself something I already know. The word should provides space in the form of an out-of-body self that’s trying to convince the sedentary me to make a better choice.
What I’m not saying is, “Let’s exercise now,” which starts a train of actions that ends with my completing an exercise routine. The should comes with the weight of obligation but allows me to avoid actually making the commitment.
Judging by the imprint on the middle cushion of my couch, this wishful self-exchange reflects that some part of me has determined exercise is the right choice, but more of me would prefer that I not. Since I believe how we think shapes what we do, eliminating the should would drive better actions (in this case, any action would be an improvement…but I digress).
When someone uses the word should — as in, “You should take out the trash,” while they stare a hole through you from the kitchen as you do whatever you’re currently doing — they’re maintaining that same space. It’s an encouragement or suggestion rather than a directive. “Robert, take the trash out now.”
When should gets used in an exchange between two people, it not only creates space between suggestion and action; it also positions the should-er as the authority.
When you’re a parent talking to a child, that position is generally appropriate. In many other conversations, it isn’t the best way to engage.
For example, when someone uses the word should, as in "We should create profiles of all the members of our audience…" in a meeting — that person assumes what they suggested is a new idea. That someone on the team hasn't already tried it or checked that box a long time ago.
Whether intentional or not, the should-er has now positioned themselves as an authority. They could get smacked down, they could elicit tired sighs, or they could send the group circling drains they've already traveled — it all depends on the context and the people in the room.
The next time you go to say "We should..." try these instead:
"Have we considered...?"
"Do we have XYZ information..?”
“What do people think about...?"
Now you've put yourself in a position to make progress by building on the expertise of your other team members and any work that's already been done with the lessons learned attached.
It’s useful to mind your shoulds in most conversations, but it's especially important when you’re working together as a team.
It's not always what you say, but how you say it.
Happy Monday,
Katie
Your Friendly Weekly Writer
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